Stopped in my tracks!

Eler Beth had a doctor's appointment Friday, so she was home with me for part of the time she'd normally be in school.  I was walking into the living room where she was watching TV from the sofa when she greeted me with, "Mom, what do you do all day?"

For some reason this question stopped me in my tracks.  Literally!  For at least 30 seconds I just stood where I was and stared at her.  She stared back.  Finally she blinked and asked, "What?!"

That brought me out of my trance, and I answered, "Oh, it depends on the day, I guess."

This seemed to satisfy her, and she said, "Because I was just wondering if you ever got bored being home by yourself all day."

Ahh!  I should have known there was a good reason for the question.  But if you could have known what was going through my mind!!

Chasing one another through my head were thoughts like:

"What does she MEAN, what do I DO all day??"

   "Actually, what DID I do all day??"

"Just because I don't work outside the home, I have to account for what I DO all day??"  

   "Actually, what DID I do all day??"

"Why is it that what we SAHMs DO isn't obvious to anyone taking a peek into our lives??"

   "Just what the heck DID I do all day today?"

And so on....

As I stood rooted to the spot I was aware that she didn't mean the question the way it sounded, but it came at me like a slap in the face. I would never have thought that I'd be that sensitive to such a question, but apparently I am.  I've worked full time with one kid and with two kids, and I've been a stay-at-home-mom with one kid and with two kids, and this I know as a fact -- it's never a piece of cake.  You make it work, no matter what, and the main ingredient to doing either one successfully is balance.

There are days when I may not actually do a lot during the day while everyone else is gone, but I may have stayed up past midnight helping a child with a science project or report.  There are days when I'm running my butt off or working myself into exhaustion while they're gone, but the next day I can make up for it.  It balances out.

Once when Andrew was around three years old and Thomas and I were both working full time, Thomas was layed off from his job for two weeks, so he kept Andrew at home during those two weeks instead of taking him to his babysitter.  I can remember coming home one day and finding an abviously exhausted Thomas dozing on the couch while Andrew watched Nick Jr.  As I came into the living room, Thomas roused and immediately started to apologise for some bit of housework (I can't remember what) that had needed to be done, but that he hadn't finished, and I cut him off, saying not to worry about it. Then he said, "How do you DO this every day?"  I think that was one of the sweetest things he'd ever said to me!

Andrew had a blast having his Daddy's undivided attention for two weeks, Daddy learned a really valuable lesson, and Mom got a compliment and some affirmation!

I have to admit that I have often been my very own worst critic and have said to myself at the end of a day, "What did I accomplish today?"  I've even been known to say to Thomas, "It doesn't look like I did much today, but I ... (fill in the blank)."  So much of what the primary homemaker does is unseen.  I've loved working outside of the home and have taken pride in doing my work well, but I love staying at home, too. 

We teach our kids how to take care of household duties,and we teach them no one is above any of those duties.  We've taught them that there is as much value in having a parent stay home to take care of the family's needs on a full-time basis as there is in having both parents working full-time.  We've especially tried to make sure that both kids know that there is nothing wrong with wanting outside employment while raising a family, but that having one parent home full time is not something to be taken lightly or for granted.

So, yes I knew, even as I stood stunned and rooted to one spot, that my daughter was not actually questioning whether or not I DID anything all day.  I know my girl, and even as my brain was trying to process all those conflicting thoughts, I knew that to her, a girl who is constantly on the go, 24/7, and who craves constant companionship, the thought of being by herself at home all day must seem very unexciting and unappealing.  But in those 30 seconds of suspended animation I was on the defensive and dealing with a mixture of guilt, doubt, and self-recrimination at the same time that I was affirming to myself that what I do daily matters.  I guess there's just no winning.  We are always going to feel at times like we're letting the ball drop in some area or another or like we're having to defend ourselves to someone else.  Thankfully, I DON'T have to defend myself to the people who really matter in my life. 

But it was a good question.  Even though she hadn't meant it the way it sounded, it was a GOOD question, because it made me defend myself TO myself.  And sometimes that's the hardest defense we have to make!

Tags: Stay-at-home-moms