A Few Thoughts on Self-Confidence and Thinking Before You Speak

I've had this certain subject on my mind for several days now, so I guess I'd better write about it and be done with it.  It all started with Jesse Jackson and his live-mic embarrassment.  When I read about it the day after it happened I thought "What an idiot!  He's not new at this, he should know better."  When you're in a professional setting you act professionally, and that includes not talking off the cuff when you don't know who might be listening.  Then I read a journaler who suffers from chronic illness writing about how hurt she is when someone says something that belittles how she is feeling.  Then another entry I read was a mother remembering when something said unthinkingly was misunderstood by her daughter.

For some reason those three entries tied themselves together in my mind and left me thinking about not only how important it is to watch what we say but how important it is that we train ourselves to develop self-confidence if it isn't something that comes easy to us, and to start instilling it in our kids and helping them to learn how to draw on it when they need it.

Beth wrote about the Jesse Jackson incident and began her entry by saying, "Before making personal remarks to others, remarks not meant for public consumption, do you think public officials will ever learn to...MAKE SURE THE MICROPHONE IS OFF?!"  

Well, it was that "Before making personal remarks to others" phrase that really jumped out at me and linked in my mind to the other entries I had read, namely this one by Luanne.

I'm going to quote a bit of Luanne's entry: "One thing that has haunted me for a while now is whether or not I am a good person.  Being chronically ill changes the way many people view you.  I have for a long time now come to terms with my illness.  I have accepted my limitations. . . . What I cannot come to terms with how this thing “Lupus” has tinted the picture of me.  How others view how I go about my day is the dilemma.  Why should it even matter?  But it does.  Big time.  And it hurts. . . . At least twice in the past month I have had to defend myself to those who lack any understanding. . . . I am not the same as I once was. . . . So why does it hurt so much when those who are unaware berate me on the subject of what I do not do. . . . Consequently I have become acidic. . . . I am discouraged having to constantly spell out that I am sick.

This is the comment I left for Luanne:

I think that someone with a chronic illness, especially one that doesn't necessarily show on the outside, develops layers of being that others who aren't chronically ill don't have.  They often remain flat, if you know what I mean.  They look at you and see a woman who doesn't look ill, therefore you must not be ill.  You, on the other hand, probably look at someone who doesn't look ill and make no judgment if that person starts talking or writing about their illness.  You have a depth that those other people don't have and possibly can never have.  It would have to be frustrating to have to explain, over and over, about your illness and the effects it has on your day-to-day life, and after a while it must seem that it's just not worth it, especially when you have to explain over and over to the same people.  Just leave them.  They're not worth it.  Take what they say or write and just turn it away from you.  Visualize them or their words, literally reach out with your hand, pretend you're picking up them or their words, and then just toss them away.  If they're standing in front of you, TELL them what you're doing.  "I'm tossing you/your words away.  You/They aren't healthy for me.  I'm ill, but you'll never see that, and you'll never understand, and why should I suffer for your ignorance?  So every time you berate me or put me down, I'm just going to toss you and your words away."  I guarantee you they'll remember that and perhaps will think before they say something negative to you again!

 

I'm no psychologist, but I learned this tool from a lady I used to work with who, after going through a very rough divorce, sought therapy.  She shared with me a tool that her therapist had taught her for setting aside other people, their words, and their behavior, so that she could focus on helping herself without their negativity interfering.  This co-worker of mine had had very little self-esteem and had been further damaged by a possessive and dictatorial husband, and I actually saw her becoming a more confident person, happier in her own skin, after she used this tool (among other things).  She didn't "toss" the person aside, however, she put them "in the parking lot."  When her mother would put her down for divorcing her husband, tell her that she could never make it on her own, etc., my friend would put her hand out, palm forward, in front of her mother's face, and say, "Stop!  I'm putting you in the parking lot!"  And then she'd push her hand away from her, to one side, as if she were literally pushing her mother over into the "parking lot".  And she would refuse to listen.  That was what her therapist taught her.

 

I'm not sure really where I'm going with all of this.  I guess I just wish that people would think before they talk.  It is so easy to say something wrong or have it taken wrong, but I just can't imagine having a painful chronic illness and having to constantly validate myself to people because of it.  As a child I was a very painfully bashful person, and I have had to work hard over the years to train myself to be more assertive and develop some confidence in myself and my own abilities.  I have also been determined that my children would not suffer from lack of self-confidence and the problems it can bring.  So when I read Luanne's opening line, it really twisted inside me.  She wonders if she is a good person because of how people may view her now?  No one should be made to wonder if she is a good person just because of something other people cannot understand.

 

Once as a family we were watching some show or movie, and a child in the movie was being picked on.  Thomas never let anyone pick on him as a child, not in his family and not socially, and now as an adult he is still very assertive and never afraid to speak his mind.  It has always come easily to him.  It irritates him when he sees someone "letting" another person get away with treating him/her badly.  He started commenting on the movie and saying the child "should have done" this or that.  He was seriously upset!  I let him finish, and then I said, "You know some people actually CAN'T do what you say you would have done.  They don't have the tools or the skills.  They've never been taught them.  Asserting yourself and standing up to a bully is not something that comes naturally to everyone."  He thought about that and then he told me that he was glad I'd said that, that I'd put it in a perspective he'd never considered before.  And then he said, "Well, OUR kids are going to have the tools they need in that kind of situation."

 

I think I had more in mind to say, but it's late and I'm tired.  I know this is a hodgepodge of thoughts, and I really hate that it hasn't come together more smoothly.  I just can't get my brain to work right, so I'll close this by coming full circle and again quoting Beth from an entry she made on Saturday because it, again, ties in well: "There comes a time when people need to figure out that there is a whole big world out there, that it doesn't revolve around us as individuals, and that our actions can have an impact far beyond what we could ever begin to realize. Whether the impact is good or bad is our decision--there's that whole free will thing again--and we'd best start thinking about how our actions affect others, whether it's our family, our coworkers, the people we encounter online, or the people we deal with day-to-day. To every action there is a reaction, and never doubt for a moment that your actions DO matter."

Tags: Self-confidence, Think before you speak