My Remarkable Little Shadow

Last night I was flipping channels when I happened upon an episode of The Tyra Banks Show.  It caught my attention because there were several little girls between the ages of 6 and 12 on the stage with her, their moms seated behind them.  The episode was called Building A Child's Self-Esteem.  Many of these little girls thought of themselves as fat, or had a bad perception of their bodies.  One little girl thought her legs were too thin.  The mothers were stunned when they watched a video of the girls confiding in Tyra about their insecurities.

None of these mothers had done or said anything exceptionally horrible, but all of them admitted that they had said things in their daughters' hearing about their own bodies that could have caused them to have negative feelings about their little bodies.   Many of them focused on their own dieting and working out, and didn't realize how this was impacting their little girls.  None of them had done or said anything that any of us may not have said or done at one time or another in front of our children, except for one woman -- she admitted that sometimes her daughters joked about being fat (which they weren't) and the mother would say, "Yeah, you're fat!"  Apparently the kids weren't really joking.

The episode reminded me of an "Ah-Ha" moment I had a few years ago.  When Eler Beth was about 7 I had to go speak with the mother of a little girl, older than Eler Beth, who had been causing her problems on the school bus.  Before going to speak to the woman I changed out of my t-shirt and shorts into a nicer blouse and slacks, tidied my hair, and put on make-up.  When ElerBeth asked me why I had done that I told her that I wanted the lady to take me seriously.  I said, "If I've taken the time to make sure I look half-way decent it shows that this is important to me."

Well, about a year later, Eler Beth came in from playing outside and told me that "C", a little boy down the street, wouldn't stop bothering her and her friends and that she was going to go tell his mom.  Then I watched her change out of her dirty play clothes into clean, school clothes.  Then she had me tidy her hair, and she asked me if she should put on some make-up.  I (hiding a smile) told her I didn't think that would be necessary.  Later I overheard her telling her Dad about it.

"And, Dad, do you know why I changed my clothes and everything?"

"Why?"

"Because it was serious business, and I wanted C's mom to take me seriously."

And that was the day that everything I'd always known on an intellectual level about our children copying us and soaking up everything we say and do climbed up to a whole new level of awareness for me!  That was the day I mentally sat myself down and had a little mini-freakout!  My daughter watches me!  She absorbs everything I do!  She mimics my words, my mannerisms, my habits!  She observes how I do things around the house, where I put things, how I cook, how I clean, how I speak to my husband!!!  Oh yes, that "motherhood" sign starting blinking in neon that day!

This morning in the car, Eler Beth asked me why Andrew can eat candy whenever he wants and not get much exercise and still stay so skinny.  I told her that was just the way his body works right now.  She asked me why she runs and rides her bike all the time and she weighs more than Andrew did at her age.  I told her that was because she is solid muscle, and muscle weighs more than fat.  And I said that her body type and Andrew's body type are completely different from each other, and that was okay. 

Bells were going off in my head during the whole conversation, but from what she said when I tentatively put forward questions, it was just a random subject that had occurred to her.  We've actually had conversations before about self-esteem and our bodies, and she's told me about girls at school last year who talked about dieting.  We've talked about how they were probably mimicking their mothers, and I would ask her if she thought they needed to change anything about their bodies.  She didn't.

I see more conversations like that coming up in the future.  Each of us has insecurities about our own bodies, whether other people would agree with what we perceive as our flaws or not.  And I expect Eler Beth to have them as well.  We'll keep the lines of communication open on this subject, and, in the meantime, I'm going to remember that what I say and do is being observed by a remarkable young lady!

Tags: Tyra Banks, Self-esteem